Unpredictable Seasons

In life

much is unknown.

I once thought I would navigate only smooth waters through life.

Now, why would a mountain girl think that she would sail through life?

I know nothing about the water.

I didn't grow up around it.

I know the mountains.

I know the seasons in Colorado.

I know that mountains can be tough to scale.

 I know that at any time a storm can blow in over the mountain bringing rain, sleet, and snow,

all in one day,

no matter what date is on the calendar.

Pikes Peak from Garden of the Gods
April 21, 2013

Early in my life, before I went to school, I would step outside to look at my beloved mountain,
this very mountain, Pikes Peak, that lived at the end of my street,
to see if I needed to wear a coat to school.
Silly me.
In the morning, I might have seen blue skies behind this peak,
and so I skipped off to school without a coat.
By afternoon, I walked home shivering in the snow I had not seen coming.

Living in the mountains makes you tough.
The air is rarified.
There is not as much of it up here in my neighborhood.
Living in the mountains has taught me that one is not in control of the seasons.

This season of my life has not been an easy one.
Certainly, I never could have expected that when I turned 65,

Celebrating my 65th Birthday

a day I had long looked forward to, (that was because I would no longer have to COBRA my insurance.), that my life would turn upside down just three months later when I lost my dear daughter.

Since that time,
I've needed all the lessons I ever learned in life to take me through this season of grief.
I've learned that grief, like the weather, is very unpredictable.
I've learned that it can make you question everything you ever believed about
life,
faith,
hope,
love,
and
God.

I've learned that you find out who your friends are.
And, I've found out that I have many.
From my friends, the true ones, the ones who have prayed for me,
walked with me, cried with me, and laughed with me,
I've learned what true
compassion,
kindness,
sympathy,
and mercy look like.

I've experienced the grace of God in ways I could never have known if I had not suffered such great loss.

Loss has taught me that
life is precious
and I hope to live it victoriously.

Loss has taught me that faith is the only thing that gets me through the day,
and the only way I will live victoriously is by faith.

I've learned that while there is life, there is hope, but mostly, I learned that
as Rick Warren recently Tweeted,
Optimism is psychological.
Hope is theological.

I've learned that love means a whole lot more than I ever thought it did.
I've learned that I love my children, all of them, more than life itself.

Keicha, Jon, Julie, Mom, Amy, Ryan Jim's Retirement 2007

I've learned that I never would have made it through these last three years without the love of one person.  That person is the man I married.
He has carried me through it all.

The love of my life

This journey has take a toll on my dear husband,
but he is faithful,
and kind,
and loving.
Thankfully, he has his best friend, the other one besides me,
to one who never asks for anything,
the one who never gets bogged down by grief, loss, sadness, or illness,
to comfort him and bring a smile to his face.

Jim & Boston His buddy and best friend

And so, in this season of life,
the one we thought would be filled with retirement dreams,
my dear husband and I are experiencing day by day struggles with illness, pain, all those other physical side effects of aging.

The seasons of life are unpredictable.
That is certain.
Since one can never really predict the weather, or the aches and pains of aging,
on good days,
we take off to enjoy the beauty of nature around us.

Jim & Boston walking in the Garden of the Gods

The skies are sometimes threatening, and cloudy, but that does not keep us home.
We are blessed to have such great beauty just several miles from our home.
We've learned that you can't wait for the perfect season, or the perfect day, one must enjoy each day as it comes and give thanks for it.

As a native born mountain girl,
I am taking the lessons I've learned about the seasons to heart.
Spring does not always come when the calendar says it should.
On the 30th of April, we had blue skies, and warm sunny weather for our walk in the neighborhood.

On May 1, I ventured out on the deck to take a photo of our bird bath covered in snow.

One just never knows what to expect from one day to the next with the weather in Colorado!

I am optimistic about the weather.  That is a psychological term that I am applying to the coming days.
I know we will soon have blue skies, and sunny, warm days.

I have hope for the future.
I know I can't predict the future any more than I can predict the weather.
But I have hope.
I have hope because I know who holds my future.
He is the very same One who has held me through all the seasons of my life. 

Boston

Boston,

A city I love,

was the scene of horrific tragedy today.

Boston,

a place where

my family roots run deep.

In 1676.

that is 337 years ago,

my ancestors came to Marblehead, Massachusetts.

The first ancestors in my family to live in this part of America over three hundred years ago. 

They walked the streets of Boston.

They were born, married, and died in places like Cambridge, Salem, and Boston.

Now,

the Boston area is where 

my youngest son, his wife, and my youngest grandson live.

Now,

my nephew, his wife, his daughter, and his son live in this area.

Everyday, my son, my nephew, my daughter-in-law 

travel by train into or through the city to go to work.

My nephew, an architect,  just designed the newly constructed

  Liberty Mutual Bridge in downtown Boston.

He was three blocks from the explosion when it happened.

I find it hard to wrap my head around what happened today.

Whenever I have the chance to visit Boston,

I begin to think it truly is the 

Hub of the Universe

 just as Oliver Wendell Holmes once said it was.

I love everything about the city.

I love the parks,

the historical landmarks,

Dunkin Donuts,

Fenway Park,

The Boston Red Sox,

the crowds,

the people,

Harvard,

the museums,

the art galleries,

the food.

If my grandson is with me, to guide the way, I can navigate the subway system.

I can find landmarks.

I know the train to take to my favorite places.

I know the train to take to get back to my son's home.

I have my favorite places, the ones I must always visit.

I have my favorite restaurants, delis, and bakeries.

I have so many happy memories of the times I have spent in this city visiting my son.

Duck Tour Boston 2006

I finally made it to Boston in 2006 when my son Jonathan began work on his M.A. at 

Boston College.

Jon & Atticus Boston College, 2006

At the same time, his wife Samantha was given a full ride to work on her PhD at 

Northeastern University.

Dr. Samantha Christiansen Northeastern University, Boston 2011

Whenever I am in Boston, I try to connect with my nephew and his family.

Mini Family Reunion Quincy, MA 2008

Mini Family Reunion Quincy, MA 2011

I am so proud of the the educational and professional achievements these young people have had while they have spent time in Boston.

I am grateful for the educational institutions that have educated my son, his wife, 

and my nephew and his wife.

This city,

the city of Boston,

has been good to them.

It truly seems impossible to believe that we are seeing and hearing of such horrific tragedy in this great city.

Those who run the Boston Marathon, 

are premier athletes.

We have many runners in our family.

I know of the determination, the courage, the training, and preparation that is required to run a marathon.

To think that dedicated, courageous runners were maimed today is heartbreaking.

My heart goes out to those innocent bystanders who were killed today, or suffered life changing injuries.

My prayers are with the family who lost an eight year old child.

My prayers are with all those who are in a state of shock because suddenly their lives were turned upside down.

Today, when I first heard the news of what had happened in Boston,

my first thought was of my family.

Were they all ok?

I was nearly sick with worry.

I then thought of the chaos that those involved would confront physically and emotionally.

Immediately, the words of Psalms 46: 1-2

came to mind.

God is our refuge and strength,

a very present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,

though the mountains be moved to the heart of the sea,

It is my prayer that those in distress will be comforted,

given courage and healing,

and that this act will not stop us all from joining each other in celebrating 

life,

liberty,

and the pursuit of happiness

in the public square.

I hope we can continue to celebrate all that this great city has to offer and do so in a manner that reflects the beliefs and values of those early Americans who established this city and the surrounding towns in the hope that their children and all those born in the generations to come would have a place of 

freedom,

opportunity, 

and safety.

Change, Structure and Blogging

I've never done well with change.  I like things to be the way I like them to be.  It seems I have a difficult time with change because creating structure for my life is extremely difficult for me.  Once I establish a system and create structure for my life, I feel less chaotic if I stick to to my system or structure.  I would like to say it is in my DNA not to conform to structure, but where would I be without the structure of my DNA?

As I write these words, I realize how conflicted I am over the roles that change and structure play in my life.   I need structure and hate change.  I love change and hate structure.  Deep down inside I have always resisted rules, structures, and schedules.  I feel very trapped if I am not free to do what I want to do when I want to do it.  My daily struggle involves one where I try not to do things as the spirit leads because if I only did things when I am inspired, a lot of things that need to be done would never get done.

If you read that previous rambling paragraph, you may be saying to yourself, "This girl is really confused.  Does she like change or not?  Does she like structure or not?"  My answer would be, "I truly am confused!  You've got that right.  I am a mess.  I love/hate structure.  I fight against structure because I feel it confines me.  I must have structure to do well.  Change scares me.  Change is exciting to me when I am in control of the change."  Can any of you relate?

As a teacher, I relied on structure in order to have good classroom management.  As a ninth grade English teacher, much of my task was to teach order and structure.  Much of my day consisted of teaching the structure of a sentence, a paragraph, an essay.  Other days, my focus in teaching was on teaching the structure of a story.  I loved teaching structure to my students.  I insisted that structure was evident in the way my classroom was maintained, and that it was evident in all writing assignments except for journals.

After retirement, I struggled most with structure.  I now longer lived by the bell.  I no longer had to stick to a lesson plan.  I was free to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it.  Since I needed a hobby of sorts, and because I love to write, I took up blogging.  I had a slow start, but then, I found myself spending at least an hour a day blogging.  Blogging connected me to an entirely different life.  I soon found that a day just was not complete without visiting my blogging friends.


Since we moved in October, blogging has really taken a backseat in my life.  This is not because I don't love reading blogs and writing blog posts.  This is not because blogging is no longer important in my life.  It is because of change and a lack of structure in my life that blogging has been pushed to the back.  I so admire those of you who write blogs on a daily basis filled with photos, sayings, and family events.  Here it is a week after Easter and my camera full of photos taken on that day is still upstairs untouched. I have not downloaded the photos.  I have not written a blog post about our wonderful holiday, and now the news is a week old!

When we first moved, I couldn't even find my desk.  I didn't turn my computer on for days.  I didn't clear off a place for it on my desk and plug it in for weeks.  Then, I actually was unhappy with the location of my office space and my desk.  The room selected by me, and the only room suitable for such an area, is in the basement in what seems to me to be the most disconnected from life corner of the house.  Needing connection to life to write, I find I have a very difficult time even wanting to enter my office.

Realizing my dislike of my office space, I purchased a desk for the upstairs guest room.  This has caused me to feel a bit more connected to life and blogging, but so far, the location is still not totally working out for me.  I don't want to move my entire office upstairs, so I continue to feel disconnected to my space for writing.

Then, there is the lack of structure in my life these days.  Jim and I have really struggled with this.  We found that a new house means that life get lived a little differently.  The routine was disrupted when we moved.  We are beginning to adjust to our new environment, but it has taken us some time.  We have both dealt with multiple health issues in the past year.  These issues have not gone away since we moved.  These issues have also disrupted our routines in life.

At times, during the past five months, I've thought of giving up blogging since I just could not keep up with reading blogs, commenting, and writing my own posts.  I have not given up blogging, but my blogging life has certainly changed.  I hope to get some structure back when it comes to blogging.  I hope my blogging friends will bear with me.  Know that I think of you often, read your blogs as I can, and write when I finally am able to set the time aside to do so.

As I have thought about my future in blogging, I have been pondering adding a new blog.  This blog will remain, but I am exploring the idea of adding a second blog.  This seems like nearly a crazy thing to do since I can't keep up with this blog, but I hope to create a blog with a different theme and with more structure.  Again, don't give up on me as I explore this idea.  Stay tuned.

Potpourri

Many years ago, my father had a secretary who wrote a weekly column for the local newspaper.  Her column named "Potpourri" was a collection of happenings about town.  Some may have even seen her writings as gossip.  Others dreaded seeing her coming down the street because they were afraid they would be fodder for her next column.  We warned our father never to tell this secretary what we were doing in the family because we hated reading about our life events in the newspaper.  A teenager is sensitive about the entire town knowing when she had a slumber party.  I remember the time I came home from college and brought a girlfriend with me.  Sure enough, it was reported the next week in the newspaper.

I did always love the idea of the flexibility that such a title gave her column.  She could write about anything with a title like that.  So, today, I am remembering that red-headed secretary my father had so many years ago as I write about several topics in one post.

Potpourri for March

March in Colorado can be totally crazy.  If I had just kept an online journal of the weather this month, it would be one filled filled with extremes.  Yesterday, I wanted to get started with some plan for my garden this year.  I am totally overwhelmed when it comes to knowing what to plant and where I should plant it at my new house.  So far, I have no vision whatsoever when it comes to my landscape.  I only know that many of those things I love most will not be able to be planted because of the deer who roam so freely here.  

So, my hubby and I went to a local nursery to see what they might have that I could set out for Easter.  Really?  Easter?  Who sets anything out for Easter in Colorado?  I am hungry for some growth that I can see somewhere.  If I were in Pueblo, I would see my peonies emerging from the ground.  I would see the daffodils and the tulips breaking through the earth.  Here, since I didn't even plant daffodils, I have nothing popping up.  I thought I might by some pansies.  They would survive the spring snows I reasoned.  No pansies were purchased.  The deer love them.  So, what about primroses?  Yep, the deer love them.  Well, it is still early.  I didn't buy anything to plant.  I came home with a big spray bottle of Liquid Fence.  I'm going to try to keep the deer out of my pine tree at least!

Today, being as it is the first Saturday of Spring Break, the week we traditionally get the most snow of all, we did get snow and wind.  One might think it was nearly Christmas instead of nearly Easter.  I stepped outside to snap a photo of the doe trying to find something to eat on the lawn across the street.  Those who are observant will note that the trees are budding.  Yep, it is Springtime in the Rockies.

I spent a large part of the day in the kitchen.  I do love my new kitchen.  It is much more functional than my old kitchen.  Today, I made 15 bean soup and added the ham I had frozen from our Christmas ham.  Somehow, that seemed appropriate with the snow and all.  I then made homemade whole wheat rolls by using my Vitamix.  That was the first time I tried using the dry blade container that is used for grains and breads.  The rolls turned out quite well.  It sure was easy to do.  

Now, as I sit at my new desk in the guest room, I look out of my window to the blue sky that is filled with just a few clouds and think how blessed I am to be surrounded by such beauty.  The hillside just out my window is covered with snow and tall ponderosa pines.  Tomorrow the snow will be gone.  We are fortunate to have the moisture.  We need it so much.  

Last Sunday we were walking in the Garden of the Gods and soaking up the sun.  Oh, ok, it was spitting a bit of snow last Sunday, but the sun was shining brightly and it was mostly warm.  

As we walked, Jim decided to lean into a nearby fence to stretch out his back.  Immediately, Boston jumped right up beside him.  This dog keeps laughing.  We love him so much.  He never misses a beat. He is always right by Jim's side.  No one ever had a better buddy. 

The week has been full of activity.  Jim and I try to get to the 'Y' on a more regular basis.  We are both doing Pilates.  Jim works out on the elliptical machine while I walk the track.  I am so thrilled to be back at what was our old neighborhood 'Y' when my children were young.  I feel like I am back home again and find it so comforting to again work out at this particular 'Y' where my children spent many happy hours.  

As I write, I listen to music streaming though the Bose radio that is hooked up to Jim's old iTouch.  Music from Roger Williams Radio, provided by Pandora, reminds me of the good old days in the Sixties as I listen to old show tunes from those years gone by. We live in an amazing age.  

I must say that I am grateful for the technology we have today.  I love that I can text my family so easily.  I love that when I ask my daughter how much snow she got today, she texts me a picture of it!  I love that I can stay in touch with all of you out there in the blogosphere.   We've come a long ways from those days when my father's secretary tapped out her weekly column on an old upright typewriter.  Wouldn't she have loved writing her potpourri of news in a blog?  

So, there you have it.  March and its madness is nearly over.  I am looking forward to next weekend as a few of my children and grandchildren will gather here to celebrate Easter.  I hope it doesn't snow!  If it does, it won't be the first time it snowed on Easter.  If it does, it will remind us in a very bittersweet way of another Easter when it snowed.

Julie, Keicha, Amy Mason, Hannah and Phoenix A Snowy Easter

Takeaways

A recap of the gathering of my high school girlfriends:

As some of you who regularly read my blog know, my high school buddies and I gather every three months for a get together.  This time, I was the hostess.  It was the first real party at my new home.  I was so excited to have my girls properly "warm" my new home with their presence.  

Whenever we gather, we spend nearly entire Saturday together.  We have our routine.  The hostess selects the theme and prepares the main dish.  The others bring the rest of the food.  We begin to gather around 11:00 and start off by catching up with each other while we munch on the appetizers.  In the past, margaritas were prepared in a blender so we can toast each other and remember those of our group whom have passed on.  This time, Ginger made that job easier.  Why didn't someone think of bringing already prepared mixed drinks before?  

All we had to do this time was make the "virgin" drinks.  I got out my new Vitamix to make those "unleaded" drinks.  Since I didn't have on my glasses, I pushed the "hot soup" button instead of "frozen desserts."  Oh well, it all worked out.  Someone saved the day by catching my mistake and the virgin drinks were mixed correctly.  Toasts were made, and we remembered our dear classmates who are no longer with us.  

Now we could get on with the party.  Pam set up the staging area for our group photo.  We have to do that before we eat so we don't forget to take that all important photo for the scrapbook.  Also, we must take the photo while we still have our lipstick on! 

After the official photos are taken, it is time to get the food on the table and eat.

Pam cuts up the corned beef

We had plenty of wonderful food

Val serves up her green jello

When my husband and I were looking for our home, I had several criteria that I said must be met.  First of all, I wanted a kitchen where friends and family could gather around a kitchen table, and yet there would be room for those who are cooking to have room to cook.  This house fits that bill perfectly.

Next, I needed a formal dining room that was big enough for me to use when entertaining my high school girl friends.  That was a priority when it came to selecting the perfect house.  With each house I visited on the house hunt, I would ask myself, "Could I seat everyone in close proximity to each other for luncheon gatherings?"  Check that off the list.  This house works perfectly for that too.   

Takeaways from our time together

Takeaways definition from Dictionary.com:

"conclusions, impressions, or action points resulting from a meeting, discussion, roundtable or the like"

As a teacher, I often asked my students to record takeaways after a roundtable discussion about a book we were reading.  As a teacher, I often recorded my own takeaways after a conference I attended.  And so, as I reflected on the time I spent with my dear high school girlfriends this past week, it is no wonder that it seemed appropriate to record the takeaways I want to remember about not only this group, but also about our most recent gathering.  

• It takes a long time to grow an old friend.  ~ John Leonard  Friendships as deep and rich as those in this group do not happen overnight.  They were first formed when we were young girls, but they have been nurtured and treated with great care for decades.

• Of all the secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood the most divine was humor. ~ Rebecca Wells The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.  Carol showed up in her outrageous St. Patrick's Day hat.  I teased that she would get me kicked out of the HOA if she walked down the street in the hat.  One of the things we do best as a group is laugh.  We have many deep belly laughs when we are together.  Sometimes, my stomach will actually hurt from laughing so much when we are together.  It is just great to laugh with your girl friends.  What a blast we all still have.  

• A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world.  ~Lois Wyse

Since our  70th birthdays are not that far down the road, we decided we should start to plan for a weekend get away to celebrate reaching that important milestone in life.  We will have sleepover of sorts by getting away to a bed and breakfast for the weekend.  I remember those sleepovers when we were 16 and 17.  I wonder if the guys will try to crash our 70th birthday party sleepover.  I doubt it.  One of the girls asked if we'd noticed how the guys in our class seem like old men.  

• I have a lot of fun.  If something isn't fun, I don't do it.  ~ Kathy Eisert Lautaret  Kathy, our Irish princess because she had the most Irish blood in her, said this when we were sharing our updates in our sharing circle after lunch.  I love her attitude.  This is definitely a takeaway I want to remember.  Fun, is must be a part of life.  I am trying to remember to incorporate a bit of it into my life everyday.  Thanks for the reminder Kathy.

• A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails.  ~Donna Roberts

• I think about little girls going off to kindergarten holding hands to support each other and now as we face 70 we support each other– symbolically holding hands maybe. ~ Iris Clark  Iris sent out this sentiment via an email after the gathering.  In a nutshell, she summed up the beauty of the group.  We do hold each other in our hearts and by the hand.  We share our latest joys and challenges during our sharing time.  This time, Pam brought a timer.  We only had five minutes!  If we took longer we would be driving home in the dark. 

And so the greatest takeaway of all is: 

• Hold a true friend with both your hands.  ~Nigerian Proverb

I am richly blessed by these beautiful ladies.  I love each one of them so dearly.  What a treasure you all are.  

Life at Work

Today, I had the opportunity to watch the Today Show.  A panel on the news program discussed Sheryl Sandberg's new book, Lean In:  Women, Work, and the Will to Lead.  I've not read this book, and I don't know that I will read the book, but I found the discussion interesting.  I've been thinking a lot about those days when life at work was a major focus of my life.  I've thought about how I miss my profession.  I miss interacting with students.  I miss teaching.  I miss the discipline that my working life caused me to have when I faced deadlines and daily obligations.  I miss the creative side of my professional life.  I miss the relationships developed on the job.  Or do I?

Not every relationship one makes in the workplace is positive.  In fact, many of those relationships drag a person down and make it difficult to perform the job one is hired to do.  Have you ever experienced working in a dysfunctional workplace?  Have you ever worked for an unreasonable boss?  Have you ever suffered from office politics?  I think most of us have.

While going through boxes of files during our recent move, I came across this quote I had saved among my other profession papers.

"University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small."

I originally found this gem, printed in large font on a sheet of 8 X 10 paper, in an old file cabinet that I was cleaning out so I could claim the cabinet as my own soon after I had been hired at a University to write curriculum for a new program that was being developed.  At the time, I could not relate to the quote at all, but finding it interesting, I kept it.

I should have had a clue that I would soon learn how true this quote was when I had beg, borrow, and steal enough equipment to set up my office during the first week on the job, but, at the time,  I was still too enthralled with the idea of working at my dream job to honestly assess my situation.  I soon discovered that petty office politics exist even in the ivory tower.  Or, should I say especially in the ivory tower?  I'm not sure that statement would be true.  I only know that I saw the careers of many talented and gifted professionals hijacked by those with less talent who did not work as hard as those who were forced to leave or who left because they realized that if they stayed, their careers would stagnate, become less than fulfilling, and that they were stuck in a dead end street in their careers because office politics and petty ego wars were alive and well.

In the end, I retired before I was really ready, not because I did not accomplish what I was hired to do, but because the relationships I valued most with the professionals I most respected and admired,were no longer there in the workplace.  The professionals I worked with the closest all had left for greener pastures where they hoped their careers could again get back on track.  Thankfully, I had the luxury to make the decision to retire.  Many others do not have that luxury.

While I was working at the University, a dear colleague  and friend, a professor who got her degree in educational leadership at Harvard, listened sympathetically to my frustration one day at work.  As she spoke, she made a statement that struck me with its wisdom.  I said, "Wait a minute.  Repeat that so I can write down what you just said."  I wrote it down on a sticky note, put it in my top right drawer of my work desk, and referred to it often as I tried to navigate the professional minefield I found myself walking through.  Unfortunately, the quote has been lost.  I can't tell you what it said, but in essence, it was on how to successfully deal with a manager who does not know how to lead.

What does one do when one finds themselves in a work environment where egos are more important that job that needs to be done? How does one survive a workplace that is difficult?   If I had the answer to these questions and others like them, I could write a best seller.  I only know what worked for me.

1. Believe in yourself.  When I first started teaching, my confidence level in my ability to teach was very low.  I really wondered if I would know how to teach.  It all seemed so mysterious.  How does one make another person learn?  The answer to that question is, "No one can make another person learn."  I just needed to have the confidence to know that I was in charge of my own little sphere of the world, or in my case, the classroom.  I had the background knowledge to do the job I had to do.  I could not be timid.  I had to walk into that classroom believing in myself.  If I didn't believe in me, the students were not going to believe I was the real deal either.
2. Demand respect.  A teacher must demand respect or leave the profession because one cannot create successful classroom management if respect is not the first order of business.  I think it is the same in every other job or profession.  One will never be successful if one does not demand respect by behaving in a respectful manner.  I am appalled to see how disrespectfully people treat those they work with these days.  It seems civility has gone out the window.  Just because someone is your boss, that does not mean they can treat you with disrespect.
3. Show respect.  Even if one does not show you as a worker respect.  It is best to be the better person and show respect.  One can disagree with another on the job, but it should be done with respect.  
4. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.  As a woman who entered the workforce long before women were given any type of equal footing in the workplace, I have always encountered a lot of discrimination where I worked.  Thankfully, I was not always on the receiving end of this discrimination, but I saw plenty of it and experienced it more that I wish I had.  Sometimes, women treat each other the worst.  One must be assertive when the need arises.  I have at times risked my reputation, and my job, by being assertive.  When I see injustice, I must speak up.  If another person has no trouble "throwing me under the bus" in order to protect or advance themselves, I have no problem being assertive.  Remember, be bold, be assertive, but also show respect for yourself and those with whom you must interact.
5. Take care of yourself.  I love how we are reminded to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first when on an airplane.  As a mom, a wife, a daughter, a friend, I find it difficult to put myself first. The truth is, I am no good to others if I am filled with stress and anxiety because I am working too hard, or under too much stress, to take care of myself.  Leave the stress of work behind when you get home.  Don't let the boss or the job bother you at home.  Just before I started teaching, my professor and advisor gave me great advice.  "Get to work early and stay late, but don't bring your work home."  I know that many top corporate officials would disagree with me there, but I stand by the philosophy that all of us must be able to leave the job behind when we come home at night.  I've seen too many at the top burn out from not taking time to live life.  It's not all about the job.  
6. "Don't get down in the blender blades."  I love this quote from my dear friend Linda Button.  She advised that when I found myself in the mix of office politics to keep myself from getting down in blender blades.  One knows what happens to anything that gets down in those blades, the item gets chopped to pieces!  It is always best to not get in the mix in the first place if possible, but if it does happen that you find yourself involved in office drama and politics, exit as soon as possible from the mix.  Sometimes, the best thing to do at work is just to show up and work.  Keep out of the fray that is swirling around you.  
7. Keep your mouth shut.  Don't gossip.  Don't tell everyone around you about the rough time you are having at work, and don't talk about the ones you work with to others.  Especially, don't talk behind the bosses back!  That seems so simple.  It is not easy though.  I remember a lunch we once had where the old staff took new staff out to get better acquainted.  We drifted toward the topic of some of the things that the boss did to make life difficult.  The newest staff member went straight back to the boss and told her of the conversation.  She is the only one still working there. Enough said on that topic.  
8. "Get your work done one piece of paper at a time."  My father used to tell a story about a man who worked for him who said he just didn't know how he was going to get all his work done.  My father said, "By doing it one piece of paper at a time."  I remembered that story so many times in my working life.  I handled things one piece of paper at a time when I faced piles of papers to grade.  Beyond that advice, I think that one must be able to prioritize work and know how to focus on the task at hand.   
9. "Don't get your honey where you get your money."  This is a quote my husband is fond of using.  This too is good advice.  I also applied that advice when it came to making my closest social contacts in the work environment.  Sometimes, people who work together can become enmeshed outside of work.  This enmeshment never works in the work environment.  I have witnessed screaming matches between former best friends, who were professionals, who could not separate their failed relationship when it came to working together.  This is not a pretty sight.  It leads to low office moral for everyone, and no one really wins when intimacy occurs between two people in the workplace.  
10. Finally, don't become a victim of the pettiness that can and does occur in office politics.  Workplace bullying is a reality.  There is a debate over who first coined the quote about university politics that I attributed to Henry Kissinger.  Some say it first came from Woodrow Wilson when he was President of Princeton University.  I take comfort in knowing that either man had the experience it took to pen such a saying.  Obviously, they had either suffered from or witnessed vicious politics in the workplace.  Unfortunately, the stakes of losing out because of such political battles and attacks are not small.  Careers, paychecks, and lives are derailed when workplace bullying in any form occurs.  I found this wonderful resource on line that deals with workplace bullying.  Called the WBI Workplace Action Plan, I found the action plan the Workplace Bullying Institute has put together reasonable and valuable to anyone who is suffering from this all too common practice in today's workplace.

When one is being bullied at work, none of the advice on what I used in my career applies except for #1, #2, #4, and #5.  Believe in your.  Respect yourself.  Stand-up for yourself by taking the advice of the Workplace Bullying Institute.  Take care of yourself.  One's livelihood should be a force for good; it should never be the thing that contributes to us living an unhealthy life.  Unfortunately, many of us, at one time or another, has had to face these hard decisions in life.  I hope these ideas I written about today are helpful to others.  I know it helped me to just write them down.

Birthday Reflections

Birthdays: 

a time of reflection

a time to explore identity

a time to contemplate the future

Who am I?

I am not a baby boomer.

I was born while the world was at war.

I was born during a time when there was much uncertainty in the world.  My father, drafted into the army at age 29, left for his initial processing into the service the day I was born.  My father did not see me during the first year of my birth.  My mother cared for me and my brother by herself during this difficult time.  I treasure the photo snapped of the four of us on the occasion of my father's homecoming.  We celebrated Christmas in February that year because that is when he came home. 

 Who am I?

I like to identify with my Welsh ancestry the most.

I was born the day before St. David Day.  St. David was the patron saint of Wales.

Photo taken in Keukenhof, Holland

May 2010

When I think of my birthday, I think of daffodils.  Sometimes they are poking their heads out of the recently frozen earth on my birthday; other years, they are not.  Daffodils, the symbol of rebirth and new beginnings, are nearly always given to me by one or more of my children on my birthday.  (Click for last year's birthday blog post.) Each year I look forward to my first bouquet of these flowers that I have long claimed as my symbol.  I look forward to the reminder that spring is coming, winter is nearly over, and the rebirth of those long dormant flowers and trees will soon be seen.  I love these flowers because remind me to never give up hope.

Who am I?

I am a mom.

The greatest gifts I've ever received were not given to me on my birthday.

My five greatest gifts were and are my children.

The night before my birthday, my husband gave me a gift certificate to have my nails done a fancy spa.  He brought home a beautiful cake which we ate from the daffodil plates I display for Easter.  We celebrated early because I decided I wanted to celebrate my birthday with my daughter Amy.  I got up early, packed my bags, and headed north to her house.  We had lunch.  She made me a wonderful dinner of her new healthy taco salad.  She provided a yummy carrot cake for dessert.  She gave me a bouquet of daffodils buds.  She could not find any bouquets in bloom.   

Who am I?

I am a gardener.

I love to tend to my flowers. 

I learn lessons on life from the garden.

Was this bouquet a reminder of life?  Sometimes, the flower we are has not fully bloomed.  Sometimes, we are buried under six inches of earth that is still frozen.  

The gardener plants bulbs with great faith in the fall.  The gardener does not have the reward of seeing the beauty the bulbs bring until spring.  The bulbs are protected even in this frigid environment during those long, dark, cold, dreary winter days.  Once those days are over, the bulbs cannot help but break through the earth, grow, and bloom.  Even those bouquets that are picked too early, and cooled so they will not bloom before the public sees them, will bloom.  They will bloom because that is who they are.  They are daffodils.  

This morning, when I first got up, I was blessed by a beautiful sight.

Given a little warmth, the daffodil buds were beginning to open up and bloom.

I will remember this bouquet for a long time.

I will remember it as a reminder that after long winters of darkness,

the soul longs to bloom.

Sometimes, a bouquet is gathered too early, but that doesn't mean those buds won't bring beauty.

Thank you Amy, my beloved, for this special birthday gift.

May you always continue to grow and to bloom.

We all need an extra dose of love, warmth, and support in our lives to be fully who we are.

Thank you for being that special someone to me so many times in my life.

So many times, you have had the perfect word for me when I needed it most.

So many times, you have supported me when I needed it most.

So many times your wisdom spoke to me when no one else seemed to have the wisdom I needed.

You truly are my beloved.

Your name, Amy, beloved, fits you perfectly.

Thank you for letting me be that special someone to you.

I will always be here for you.

I love you.

XO

Mom

Reading

Reading is my favorite pastime.  I'm always reading something.  Lately, my mind has been a jumbled mess.  I find it hard to write.  I find it hard to journal.  I find it nearly impossible to compose a blog post.  Despite the jumbled mess of my mind, I have been reading.  Perhaps, I have not read as closely as I usually do, but I am reading.

I have a friend who always asks, "What are you reading?" I even have a doctor who always asks the same thing.  My doctor at National Jewish Hospital has been my doctor for seventeen years.  This woman has been one of the great mainstays of my life.  She believed in me when I went through one of the most difficult experiences of my life the year she became my doctor in 1996.  (That is another story for another day.)  We see each other once a year when I have my yearly check-up.  We converse like old friends, and she always asked what I am reading.  My internist in Pueblo was always interested in what I was reading also.  I've even dropped off a book for her to read when I finished it.  We discussed it on my next visit.

I'm always on the search for a new book.  I so enjoyed reading my dear blogging friend's post today.  DJan wrote, as usual, an inspirational Sunday morning post entitled Contemplation today.  In the post, she gave a short review of a book she just finished.  I purchased it for my Kindle before I even finished reading her post.

This most recent purchase for my Kindle means I have six titles to read.  Actually, since I am currently reading Doris Kearns Goodwin's No Ordinary Time - Franklin & Eleanor Roosevelt: The Home Front In World War II,   that means I have seven books to read.  The lament, too many books, so little time, comes to mind.  We once used to say we had books stacked on our bedside table to read.  With the Kindle, that no longer applies.  Here is a list of what I have recently added to my books to be read:

• A Place to Stand by Jimmy Santiago Baca  - I bought this book when I recently attended a literacy conference in Denver.  I love reading Jimmy Santiago Baca's poetry and taught many of his poems when I was teaching high school English.  This book is Baca's biography.  I can't wait to read it.  I think it will be stunning.  It will most likely remind me of so many students that I taught: the ones who had so much writing talent, who would most likely never finish high school, and who lived lives filled with alcohol abuse, legal problems, and poverty.  If I were still teaching, we would be reading this book in class.  Maybe, I will read this before I read any more about the Roosevelt years.  
• More Than You Know by Penny Vincenzi - I picked this book up as Costco on a day when I was browsing the books knowing I was about to finish the book I was currently reading.  I was desperate to have another book to read, so I picked up one by Penny Vincenzi.  Now, the truth is out.  I love to read Vincenzi.  Her novels are always engaging.  They provide me with escape reading.  Maybe I will start reading that tonight and put Franklin and Eleanor on hold for a while.  I need some escape reading.  
• War Brides by Helen Bryan - I downloaded this to my Kindle yesterday.  It was recommended on the Amazon site, and since it only cost $.99, and since it was about World War II, my current reading topic, and since the reviews sounded interesting, I thought I would add it to my books to read.  I think I will read this after I finish reading about WWII in the U.S.
• On Gold Mountain by Lisa See - This was definitely an impulse buy.  I purchased it on my Kindle when I saw the review after downloading War Brides.  It only cost me $7.19, so I could have spent more on a book.  I do love to read immigrant stories.  I especially like to read about the Asian immigrant experience.  I've read other books by Lisa See.  Some I have really enjoyed reading, others, not so much.  I'm sure this book is at the bottom of my reading list. 
• Call the Midwife - A Memoir of Birth, Joy, and Hard Times - by Jennifer Worth.  This book was the book recommended on DJan's blog today.  I have watched the series based on this book on television and loved it.  Since, I am reading about this period of time already, I think this book will be read after I read War Brides.  That seems like the logical progression.  Love and marriage should always proceed calling the midwife.  ;)
• Beyond Belief: My Secret Life in Scientology and My Harrowing Escape  by Jenna Misgavige, Lisa Pulitzer, and Sandy Rustin - I haven't purchased this book yet.  I am trying to show some restraint.  I have more than enough to read right now.  My daughter just finished this and said she could not put it down.  I also love reading books about those whose lives have been derailed by cults and religious organizations.  I'm sure I will enjoy reading this book.  It is currently on the best seller list for non-fiction.

Even though I am somewhat conflicted over what book to pick up and read right now, my discipline pattern in reading will mean I will most likely keep reading No Ordinary Time.  The book is over six hundred pages long.  I won't be finishing it any time soon.  I am really enjoying it and am approaching the reading of it in a more scholarly way.  I have my pen in hand when I read so I can underline and annotate.  I am learning a great deal about the times just before I was born.  I've read other biographies about Eleanor Roosevelt as she is one of my favorite people from history, but I am especially enjoying this book because the scope is so large.  

Doris Kearns Goodwin write so masterfully.  Her research is meticulous.  Despite the size of the book and the topic, it is a book that holds my interest.  I've used the information in the book to ask my mother questions about the times and about my own family history from that time.  No wonder Goodwin won the Pulitzer with this book.  It truly lives up to all of its positive reviews.  

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If you are interested in seeing what I am reading, I am on Goodreads.  Follow me by going to this link: my Goodreads profile page.  

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I won't get much reading done today.  I'm off to watch the 2013 Oscars.  I will miss watching this with my daughters.  Amy and I always love this tradition.  She reminded me of the days when we would gather at my sister Carol's house where all of us, my sister and her two daughters, and me with Amy and Julie, would pile onto my sister's king size bed to watch the Oscars together.  She will be watching the show with her daughter tonight.  We will be texting.  I better go see what everyone is wearing as they walk down the red carpet.  

Family

I spoke with #1Son  on the phone yesterday.  After we had hung up, I thought a great deal about what he had to say.  He spoke about family and about the importance of family.  He recounted the story of a movie that he and his significant other had seen at the Park City Film Festival about the strength of a family that came together after a tragedy hit one of the family members.  He spoke of how he wants to make sure he gives that kind of family experience to his own children.

Later in the day, as I sat down to write in my journal, I realized that exactly 47 years ago I had first met the man who would become the father of my children.  My children's father and I officially met when he was transferred into the same department where I was working at the IRS Service Center in Ogden, Utah.  We both had started our jobs on the same day just two days prior to the day we officially met.  In fact, we both were hired at the same time because we both scored the exact same score on the civil service exam.  Our supervisor told us that we had tied for the highest score on the exam.  This meant that we both had to be placed before the others who had taken the exam could be placed in the jobs that were available.  

On that day when we first met, he walked me to the parking lot after work.  I was dazzled by his smile and his personality.  We married six months later.  We began our family early.  Our first born arrived just eleven months later.  In time, we would have a total of five children in a span of ten years. Sadly, the marriage ended in divorce after a decade and a half.   

Amy, Keicha, Ryan, Jonathan, Julie Easter 1978

I never write about the break-up of our marriage in this forum.  I don't intend to start now.  I only want to acknowledge that the divorce was painful for all of us.  Our lives were forever altered.  For me, the divorce also meant that I was determined that my children would still have a strong sense of family. 

Amy, Keicha, Sally, Jonathan, Julie, Ryan on the back of the couch

Amy, Jonathan, Julie, Keicha, Ryan This is one of my favorite photos, but I know the girls hate it!

Parents leave legacies.  I have always hoped that the legacy I would leave would be one where my children loved and supported each other and passed on a strong love for family to their children.

It is messy to be a part of a family.  It is not always easy.  In fact, is it ever easy?  I looked up some quotes while I wrote this post.  Some are just priceless.  George Burns said, Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.  I think most of us can relate to that at one time or another.  

Our family, as with so many modern families, has changed due to divorce and remarriage.  I  found this quote by Sarah Dessen so true:   Family isn’t something that’s supposed to be static, or set. People marry in, divorce out. They’re born, they die. It’s always evolving, turning into something else.  

I think of my own in-laws, the paternal grandparents of my children.  I was fortunate to have the most wonderful in-laws ever.  They have always shown love towards me and supported me.  I love them dearly.  To me, they will always be family.

I think of the former spouses of my children, and I think of Julie's boyfriend, I love them like they are my own children.  Marriages don't always work out, but that doesn't mean that one has to stop caring about the well-being of both parties.  Maybe, once one is a part of my family, I just don't let that person go. I realize that the status has changed, but in my mind, we are still family.  We share many memories.  We have a history together.  They can't get rid of me that easily.  

A day at the zoo with Regan, Gillian, Parker, and Bridger (in stroller) Julie, Keicha, Jonathan, Amy holding Mason, Ryan and Stephanie

Mostly, I was struck by my son's statement about the way the family in the film pulled together after tragedy.  

Keicha, Jonathan, Julie, Sally, Amy, Ryan June 2007

This photo was shot on the occasion of my husband's retirement party.  It was one of the rare occasions when I had all five of my children together.  Those occasions are the happiest occasions of my life.  Now, one of the five is gone.  I doubt I will ever adjust to not counting five names to make sure they are all accounted for in my mind when I think of them.  I doubt I will ever stop counting when we are together to keep track of everyone.  I run through the five names and the years of their births in order to figure out how old they are.  I can't do the math unless I recall all of the dates:  1967, 1970, 1974, 1976, and 1978.  (Yes, the 70's were very busy years for me!) 

Families are rare treasures.  They can be fragile.  They can break easily.  They can be fragmented.  I don't think DNA is enough to hold a family together.  I think it takes a lot of love, a lot of forgiveness, and a lot of prayer.  When I lost my sweet Julie, the one with her arm draped around my shoulder just as she always did, I would never have survived without my remaining precious children.  I've learned how true this quote is more than once from my own children:  When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching -- they are your family. ~ Jim Butcher

Someday, I will be gone.  When that day comes, I hope my legacy will be one that speaks of the importance of family.  One of my greatest prayers is that my children will always stand by each other, and by each other's children, and give each other strength, hope, courage, forgiveness, and love.  I hope they will keep on laughing with each other.  We've all have had so many great times together.  We are wild and crazy together.  We love to talk, argue, and laugh.  To me, these traits are what family is all about. It takes a lot of forgiveness along the way to maintain this type love and support because none of us are perfect, but we are family.  

Getting to Know You

This photo could be labeled "getting to know you."

My husband and I were out walking yesterday when we came upon this herd of deer near our home.  The photo does not capture the intense look on the face of the lead buck as he stared into Boston's eyes.  Boston also stood and stared at the buck.  Their eyes were locked.

I sized up the size of the herd and was surprised to see that there were five bucks, and, if I can count correctly, five doe.  Seeing deer is a common occurrence around here, but it is uncommon to see so many bucks in one place with so few doe.  Since we had just seen two bucks, their antlers locked, fighting in the meadow across from where this photo was taken days before, I was a bit leery of proceeding any further on this particular path.  We've been warned to be cautious when the bucks are rutting.  They have been known to charge dogs if they sense the dog may come between them and the doe.

Boston never barks at the deer.  He is always interested in them, but he respects boundaries.  On the day this photo was taken, when we called to him, he turned and followed us in the other direction away from the deer without making any protest.

Today, Boston was on the back deck, unable to access the yard because of a gate on the deck, when we saw a lone doe just inches from the deck gazing at Boston.  Again, the two animals, dog and deer, had their eyes locked on each other.  Not a sound was made from the dog.  When we headed toward the door to try and catch a picture, the doe turned and ran away.

I think during these wildlife encounters, the animals are sizing each other up.

I feel that same way at times.

One of the hardest parts of moving is getting to know new territory when it comes to sizing up, and getting to know the professionals who care for us.  I am finding the task of finding service providers overwhelming.

I must find the following:

• a new hair stylist.  Now that is a hard one.  I am so picky about my hair.  I've not found a good hair dresser yet.  My family says I never find one I like.  There is some truth to that.  I joke that it is easier to replace a husband than a hair stylist.  
• a manicurist.  I miss my dear Kerri so much.  How will I ever replace her?  She didn't just give me excellent pedicures and manicures, she was my 'therapist' and good friend.  You don't just find a package deal of a good friend and a manicurist that often.  Such relationships are rare gifts.
• a doctor.  That is a really hard task.  I've been blessed with many great specialists, but one must also have a great internist.  I'm finding that finding one that I trust and feel comfortable with is a task that also seems overwhelming.  I'll keep searching until I find one who will talk and listen to me while also talking with the specialists that I currently see.  As my doctor at National Jewish told me last month, "You need to have your doctors talking to each other."  Again, it is hard to find an internist that will talk to the cardiologist, the GI specialist, the respiratory doctor, and the endocrinologist.    
• a chiropractor.  I don't go to the chiropractor often, but when I need one, I need one pronto.  I must begin my search before I am in pain and don't know where to go.
• a massage therapist.  There have been times in my life in the past few years when I have gotten a massage every week or every two weeks.  I never go more than a month without a massage if I can help it.  That being said, I haven't had a massage since the beginning of October.  No wonder my neck and shoulders hurt!  I need a massage.  I don't know where to go.  There are massage therapists all over the place, but I had the best one in Pueblo, and I want another one just like her.  I miss you Kate!  You were the best.  Plus, I'm sure I will be paying a lot more for a massage here than I did in Pueblo.  
• a therapist.  Since the death of my daughter, I had the good fortune to work with an excellent therapist.  I was so fortunate to find just the right fit the first time I met with this caring, wise woman who has helped me so much in my journey.  Finding a new therapist is not going to be easy.  I truly don't know where to start.  

At times when I meet with a new doctor, or a new therapist, I feel like I am just like Boston staring at the buck in the photo above.  I'm just not sure we can be compatible.  I find myself sizing up each professional.  I find myself wondering if we can form a professional relationship that I will trust.  I wonder if I am approaching this task with too many expectations.  I guess I also just want the easy flow of my life to return.  I always knew where I would go when I needed one of the services mentioned above.  I know I am fortunate to even have the services I mentioned.  I feel spoiled and pampered to even admit that I miss my massage therapist and my manicurist.  I guess I can forgo having a massage and a manicure while I keep searching, but I do need to find a doctor and a therapist.  Wish me well in my search.  Do you have any advice in finding just the right doctor or just the right therapist?